I see you.
Aimlessly staring into your phone trying to direct your multi-focused attention and to feed your multitude of needs.
The thing is, I’m right here…
I’m right now.
I’m silently begging you to be present with me.
But you’re not a mind reader, and I don’t want to beg, or plead(or simply ask…), because that puts me in a very vulnerable position. Not that I mind hearing, “Not right now.”, or “In a minute.”, or even ” Later, baby.”.
It’s just…that’s as far as communication normally goes with us, and the whirlwind that is my mind, needs much more.
I want to reach out to you, to sweep your electronic away, and I want to help you feel valued, beautiful face to beautiful face. Loving you makes me feel whole. I want to crawl on top of you, delicately. Heavily draping my full body on top of yours, I wish to bring my arms around and on top of your head so that I’m clasping you within my bosom. I want to slowly kiss each of your eyelids, closing them with the warmth, moisture and tender love that only my mouth can gift to you. I want to find your heartbeat by nuzzling your neck. I seek to smell you. Feel you. I want nothing more than to give you comfort and pleasure. I want to go in-between massaging you with the lightest of scratches and embracing you with intense kneading that helps you to ultimately feel relaxed, sensual, and at peace.
I’m torturing myself with all of the possible reasons as to why you’re seeking an outside source of pleasure. The rational part of my brain knows you just need “you time”. To recoup after a hard day of working, or because you’re tired, or because the introvert in you doesn’t want to talk, or because you’re afraid of what I may need, or because…..
I supposed it’d be easier to tell you what I need than to wait for you to guess.
But that means I’d have to be vulnerable all over again.
I’ll wait this one out.
I cook you dinner. I emphasize the timing and ingredients and plating to please you. I try to keep the kids entertained to the best of my ability so that you’re able to unwind, or…whatever it is you’re doing. I’m barely acknowledged. The kids literally fight for your attention. Silence becomes a noose around my neck.
You thank me with a sincere smile, rinse your plate, and head back to the comfort of your phone.
I start to feel more and more hollow and disconnected as the night lingers on. I finish my nightly chores, parental duties, brushing of teeth, and head to bed.
It’s then that you decide to join me. You try to cuddle up to my backside. I lay stiff for moments that seem to last a lifetime for the both of us. I’m sincerely hoping you’re not sexually aroused. With the lack of affection, I’m obviously feeling less than attractive and valued.
God, she’s beautiful. What the hell did I do to deserve her? Do you hear her? She’s humming. While tending to house chores, at that!
God, she’s coming. I don’t want her to feel awkward by me watching her.
Let’s see, what’s new on Facebook? Oh there’s a funny meme. I’ll share that. Maybe someone will laugh like I did.
Oh, another one. Gotta share that.
I wish my body didn’t hurt. I’d love to get down and play with my babies. Poor things would just have to hear me grumble about being in pain, though.
I wish I could give her everything she’s worthy of. She’s better than me. Deserves more…
Man, she can cook!!! I wish I could think of all the eloquent words to share and praise her with.
Good God, I need to lose weight. No wonder she doesn’t want to touch me. I look awful.
OK, first thing tomorrow. I’ll start exercising. That’ll help me, which will help us. I feel better about this decision.
I feel best next to her. She makes me feel loved.
She’s so stiff tonight. I wonder what’s wrong…